Relationships

My Best Friend’s Boyfriend Treats Her Horribly…What Can I Do?

~ Liz Pacilio ~ Leave a comment

Dear Liz,

My best friend is dating a boy who doesn’t treat her right. He has cheated on her multiple times, and recently she even walked in on him cheating.  From the start, I have warned her multiple times that he is not a nice guy and that I do not like him and that he is not good for her. He’s also extremely mean to me and her other friends and has no respect for anyone.  He is always getting “belligerent drunk” and is very disrespectful and hurtful to many people. She continues to stay with him even when I am constantly warning her about him. She says ‘you just don’t know him like I do’ and she also says that the awful things a person does, does not define them. It is becoming an issue in our friendship in the way that I am the “bad guy” because I will not accept  him. What do you think I should do? What do you think she should do? Continue reading →

Finding the Courage to Say I Love You

~ Liz Pacilio ~ Leave a comment

Dear Liz,

For the past 5 or so years I have been on and off with this boy. We have never officially been boyfriend and girlfriend though. We would talk like we were, text constantly, and went on dates. The first time this ended he ended up dating someone else so I moved on. Once we were both single again, years later, we ended up right back where we were. That lasted for about 8 or 9 months. During that time period he went to school in another country for 6 months. When he came back things were great, we went on a date, and then after a month things slowly faded away. We didn’t talk like we used to, we were just friends. It has been at least 2 years since we were more than friends. Neither of us dated much. In the back of my head I always thought that the two of us would end up together. These feelings stopped me from being in a relationship with someone I really liked. Now he is in a serious relationship and I don’t know how to move on. For the past 5 years he has also been one of my best friends. Do I have to stop talking to him completely to move on? How can I start this process? Continue reading →

Blending Families: Dating as a Single Parent

~ Liz Pacilio ~ Leave a comment

Dear Liz,

For several years I have been madly in love with a wonderful man. When I found him, I was a mess and needed to work on myself, which I did, wholeheartedly. (Antidepressants, therapy, and reading). He stuck by me, the whole time, offering support. I gained a lot of strength and confidence. He’s inspired me in lots of ways to be the best version of myself. We both have children from previous relationships. His children lead a different life then mine do. I won’t get into specifics, but basically, his children need his attention constantly in ways mine don’t need me. I think his commitment to his family is wonderful, and part of the reason I respect and admire him so much. But because he is so focused on them, he has little time for me. (At this time, the idea of blending our families has not come up in conversation). I’m at a point in my life where I don’t “need” anyone. But I do want him very much. I want him to be my life partner. He’s focused on other things though. How can I show him my love and support without sacrificing myself here? He was able to show me love and patience and kindness… I want to do the same….but I also don’t want to pine away for him while he tends to his family. Continue reading →

When Your Partner Cheats

~ Liz Pacilio ~ Leave a comment

Dear Liz,

Hi, I’m 19. My first relationship lasted one year and he cheated on me every so often and I kept taking him back. We broke up and three years later I haven’t had a relationship since and I’m honestly not attracted to anyone anymore. I am, but I’m not if they actually want to date me. What’s the reasoning behind this? Continue reading →

Privacy and Boundaries in Intimate Relationships

~ Liz Pacilio ~ Leave a comment

Dear Liz,

A couple of middle aged, two-time divorcees meet and start dating. First two months are great, third is trying, fourth and fifth nonexistent. He has a privacy issue, in that he doesn’t want people knowing our problems, so he has pulled away, but still continues to maintain daily contact—just no dates until he works his way through getting over my mistakes of confiding in other people. The last event that I spoke about us was two weeks ago, and he’s still mad because it came up at a family dinner. Tried breaking up and he keeps holding on. Is there any way to get him to move forward with me or move on without me? I’m not sure I can handle a breakup myself, but I am feeling resentful and angry. Continue reading →

Getting Back With an Ex

~ Liz Pacilio ~ Leave a comment

Dear Liz,

I dated a boy in high school for 3 years, he studied abroad in Italy for 4 months, and we broke up while he was there. Our relationship wasn’t the best, but we were in love, and we both knew that for sure. It was a controlling relationship, on both ends. This past summer I began to date a new boy, it was very different -less controlling-but I still thought about my ex ALL THE TIME and because of this, I broke up with the new guy.  Why am I still thinking about my ex all the time? Does this mean I should try and pursue him again? I’ve always heard “if you can’t go a day without thinking about the person, it’s worth it”…. HELP!!!!!!   Continue reading →

A College Student Wonders Why His Suite-Mate Is Such a Jerk

~ Liz Pacilio ~ Leave a comment

A student came into my office to talk about life with a particular suite-mate in his dorm, someone he was not getting along with at all.  His question:  what makes someone an a–hole?  I told him I’d need a few details, a few examples, of this person’s “a–hole” like behavior, and he offered this for starters:  “I have a friend, a young woman, who is very overweight, and anytime she comes around, he makes whale noises, refers to her as a whale, etc.”  I stopped him right there, and suggested that “a–hole” was far too gracious a description—there are a–holes (they grab your parking space when you’ve been patiently waiting with your blinker on, they act rude to servers at dining establishments, they gossip behind your back…) and then there are cruel and abusive individuals who have deep and profound emotional/psychological challenges.  Continue reading →

Desperate to Help Friend Being Abused By Boyfriend

~ Liz Pacilio ~ Leave a comment

 

One of my closest friends has been in an incredibly emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for over three years. This person essentially controls every single aspect of her life–from how she spends her time, to who her friends are, to the way in which she views her own self-worth.

It’s heartbreaking to see someone I care about go through this, and I feel as though our other friends and I have done everything we can to help her, but nothing is working. I know that the want to leave has to come from her, but my greatest fear at this point is that before she finds the strength to leave, they’ll move in together and eventually get married. I can see her hurting and suffering, but I just don’t know what to do. How can I help her???  Continue reading →

What is a home and how do I find one?

~ Liz Pacilio ~ 1 Comment

Dear Liz,

They say home is where the heart is. But I don’t know where my heart is…

My life has been one of inconsistency. I am 21 years old and already I have lived in 15 different “homes” (houses). That number doesn’t include the two separate places where both of my parents currently reside while I attend school (also not counted) on the opposite side of the country. I see them for a few weeks every 6 months, the case for the last 3 years. If I define a place I’ve lived as a place where I have a permanent bed I can call my own, the number is nearly 20. Almost one for every year that I have walked this earth. This doesn’t bother me, except the inconvenience of travel (I’ve had to drive cross-country about 4 times now, once by myself which was fun). I like to be independent.  Soon I will be faced with a strange predicament where I could choose Oregon, Nevada or New Hampshire as my state of residence. This is not where my struggle lies, though.

Small talk with peers always includes my least favorite question: So where are you from? Sometimes I say California, sometimes New Hampshire, other times I just say it’s complicated and that I’m from nowhere and everywhere. I have discovered a very interesting form of homelessness. While I am not living on the streets, I feel as though I have no real home. There is Continue reading →

Sexual Abuse

~ Liz Pacilio ~ 1 Comment

Dear Readers:  The person who submitted this question is a young woman—as such, I’ve decided to engage the topic of sexual abuse as it pertains to girls/women.  I am very aware that boys/young men are also victims, and I in no way intend to marginalize their experience by speaking solely about girls/women—I am simply tailoring my response to the circumstances presented to me by this questioner.  

Dear Liz,

I had a horrible relationship with my mother in high school because she was dealing with her newly diagnosed bi-polar disorder.  We would always clash because I didn’t know what she was going through, but now I fear I am turning into her. I see myself lashing out sometimes and getting upset over things that seem to have no substance, and when I do calm down I realize that I shouldn’t have gotten angry. Most of the time I take it out on my boyfriend, and that’s what I fear the most.  I don’t want to upset him over tiny fights and push him away. It’s like I have in my head this “self-fulfilling prophecy” that of course I’m going to turn into my mother—I feel like I’m making that fear come true.  My boyfriend is very supportive of me trying to deal with this situation. He never gets mad at me in return—when I am angry he tries to solve where it is coming from and why.  My worst fear is pushing him away while trying to figure this out. 

I don’t know if this aggression I have is stemming from me thinking I am turning into my mother, or from the sexual abuse I suffered in high school from my first boyfriend at the age of 14. My boyfriend would hit me, cheat on me, and sexually assault me—this was all very frequent for 9 months.  I was so young and sensitive and he was 17 and I didn’t know what to do, so I put up with it.  When I’d tell him I wanted to end it, he would threaten to kill himself.  He finally hit me in public once, and my best friend and her boyfriend saw, which gave me a way out because he got scared that I wasn’t the only one to know anymore. 

While all this was going on with my boyfriend, my mother was dealing with her anger over being raped by her cousin.  When she returned home for a wedding, she saw him and he hugged her as if nothing happened.  It brought up so many emotions for her and she ended up taking it out on me—she would lash out and hit me—it got so bad that my dad and I had to move out for a few months.  I went to a therapist for a while and I thought I had dealt with my pain, but with all these emotions now I’m not sure what to think. I get so angry at little things, like my personal short comings and when things don’t go as planned—it’s starting to affect my life.  I just want to get my anger or whatever seems to be happening to me under control before I turn into my ex or my mom.  I’m lashing out like I did before I went to my counselor in high school.  I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t know if you have any insight for me, but I’ll wait to hear back.         Continue reading →