Dear Liz,
I am struggling with understanding that my relationship is toxic. I continuously let the small amount of good overpower the immense amount of bad, and while I am aware of this, I still cannot let go. My partner continuously criticizes me for almost every aspect of my well-being. My messiness, my aspirations, whether I do nothing, or do too much, how I eat, dress, talk to others/act around others. They call me out on everything I do multiple times a day and if I even dare try to reason with them or give an example on how we do the same thing and it works both ways, they say all I do is critique them whenever they mention something because I “can’t take criticism.”
Is it Possible to Sustain Well-Being and Joy Despite One’s Circumstances?
Dear Liz,
I am a woman in my upper 40s. I have a job that has very good health benefits. Also, it pays enough to support my family. The issue is that I am very unhappy in my work environment. Sometimes, or I should say, often, some of the people are hostile. This has caused me to wake up many nights upset. At times, I feel alone and stuck. I stay at the job because I know that I would not realistically be able to find another one like it where I can support my family. I know this probably sounds like such a cliché, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I do not see a happy, joyful person. I see someone who is tired, stressed, and has aged tremendously. The years are going by and I am afraid of never finding a peaceful work environment. It is hard because of the many hours spent at work, and then I find that my poor children see all my unhappiness.
Thank you for reading this. Many blessings to you. Continue reading
How Do I Start Caring Again?
Shortly before the COVID-19 global pandemic forced us all to shelter in place, I received this write-in. Truth be told, I put it aside, because I had no idea how to respond. Over the past two months, tucked away at home, life as I knew it gone in an instant, my own demons began to make appearances—anxiety, existential dread, grief—sure, some days felt liberating, but many others unraveled me. I must acknowledge that the column to follow is no exception to the insight: we teach what we need to learn.
Dear Liz,
How do I start caring again? What I mean is that as a rule, I find I don’t want anything, and if I do sort-of want something, I don’t care that I want it. I do like my Sunday mornings out for breakfast as my only me time, and “Oh hey, you want join me…okay…” Or, I may need to buy a car part to make my car better, but “oh, you need money to get a hotel room so your daughter can tour the college she has been accepted at…okay, here is $150…whatever…doesn’t matter…I don’t really need it…” Hell, I don’t really need anything, or really anyone. Continue reading
Struggling to Get Over an Ex
Hi Liz,
I’m a college age woman who has recently been through a break-up and I’m having a really hard time forgetting him/moving on. It was my decision to end the relationship and break up, as there were many ways he was not a good boyfriend. Many girls even told me he cheated on me. Don’t get me wrong, there were good things about him too. After all, I did love him a lot. I’m just really struggling to get over him, even though I know deep down he was not a good boyfriend. I know I deserved better and still do deserve better, yet I still find myself crying and missing him. I don’t know how to get out of this weird funk I’m in. I’m often sad when I’m alone and can’t stop thinking about him. I need to move on from him, but I really don’t know how. Continue reading
When a Sibling’s Abusive Behavior is Breaking the Heart of the Family
Dear Liz,
I am a college student having serious family problems centered around my high school aged sister. I don’t say this lightly, but my sister is basically an extremely narcissistic and manipulative person who has hurt me time after time. She has stolen from me more times than I can count, puts me down in any way she can, lies to me, has stabbed me in the back, and has basically taken the attention away from me, and my parents give all of their energy to her. She suffers with anxiety and depression which I completely understand contributes to why she acts like this to me. My parents also say to me that the reason I’m the target of her terrible words and actions is because she’s always been jealous of me and I understand that too. However, my parents always excuse her behavior because of her mental illness and that really hurts my feelings because they’ve always held me to a higher standard than her, even when I suffered with serious depression in high school. She never gets in trouble for her language or behavior, or even seriously abusing drugs in the way she does, but if I came home five minutes past my curfew in high school, I’d be grounded for a week. This has made it extremely difficult to come home from school ever and be in my house, and it sucks because I want to spend time with my parents, but this is making me resent them and especially my sister so much. I’ve completely lost hope in repairing my relationship with my sister (at least for now) because I don’t feel as if it’s my job to do so anymore, but how can I save my relationship with my parents and get to a place where I can enjoy coming home again without letting this affect me so much? Continue reading
How Can I Become Who I Am?
Hi Liz.
I graduated college a few months ago & I just got dumped callously after over five years of partnership. We were planning on getting married and I think I put aside any aspirations other than “wife” as I finished school.
I’m 22 and facing myself without him for the first time since high school. I’m a smart person (I think I am, at least. I’m a good writer and very passionate about what I studied in school). And I’m considering going to grad school this spring semester (I’ve already been accepted).
I guess what I’m trying to figure out is how I can start being a real person now that my identity isn’t wrapped up in a future with someone who is no longer interested.
I’m so young, but I feel so incredibly ancient & washed-up.
How can I become who I am? Continue reading
A Young Man Struggles with “Issues in the Bedroom”
Dear Liz,
I am having an issue in the bedroom.
I am 27 years old, and when I have sex I can’t finish. I can go for hours, but to no avail. Honestly, I’m out of breath and exhausted well before I ever get close to any feeling of being close to ejaculating. I have no problem finishing when I masturbate, but never when I have intercourse. What is wrong with me? Continue reading
Is it wrong of me to expect loyalty from my mom?
My mom’s friend’s son’s girlfriend has had a long, close relationship with my mom. The girl and I were never close; I could tell she didn’t like me. In the past she mentioned (to my mom) being jealous of me. Despite all that, I wanted us to try and be friends. I kind of felt left out. So one day, I asked my mom if I could tag along whenever they hung out. Guess I kind of inserted myself into their relationship. I soon realized her behavior was way too toxic for me. A day prior to ending our friendship, I walked outside and overheard a conversation she was having with my mom (my mom had her on speaker). She didn’t like me calling when she and my mom were together and blamed me for something I knew nothing about. She then began talking about me. My mom didn’t even say anything to her, and she knew I was standing right there. I voiced to my mom she was more concerned about hurting the girl’s feelings, than she was about setting some boundaries. The next day, my mom said she had a talk with her. I cannot for the life of me understand why she still insists on being close with her. I have expressed to her that their relationship now makes me feel angry and hurt. She’s mad that I am making her choose. I guess I am. I don’t know if I’m being ridiculous. If you need more details, please let me know. Continue reading
Why Do I Still Miss My Abuser?
Dear Liz,
After a year, why do I still miss my abuser? I have been on my own for about a year, after a very traumatic evening where my abuser held me captive in her home and repeatedly hit me. This
left me with diagnosed PTSD on top of my other anxiety and depression issues, but sometimes I still find myself missing my abuser. Even though I am in pain and struggle every day with what happened that night, I often find myself thinking about how I miss her, and I wonder what is wrong with me. Continue reading
Pornography and Intimate Relationships
Dear Liz,
I am a former student in your ethics class, and I specifically remember the section on pornography. From this discussion, our class explored how it might feel when your partner frequently looked at pornographic images on a social media. My boyfriend is always looking at these photos and discussing them with his friends. I try to explain to him that this hurts my feelings and he justifies it with, “this is something you can’t understand, all guys talk like this.” I try to take a moral standpoint and tell him that “butts and boobs” don’t exist for men to talk about, and that he’s objectifying these women by only talking about them in the context of their body. He still disagrees. We feel fundamentally different on the issue, but I still feel as though there should be a way for us to both feel comfortable.
Thank you 🙂 Continue reading
A Woman Questions Her Lack of Sexual Desire
Dear Liz,
I stumbled upon a question (dated 11/28/2015, Why Don’t I feel Sexual Attraction?) and question that with myself. I’m 53 years old, divorced (two grown children) and have had several unsuccessful relationships since then. I sympathize with the other reader, as I also don’t “get” it. I’ve experienced deep love in my heart and mind, but I have never experienced an innate desire to take my clothes off with another person. I’ve always had sex with my past boyfriends/ex-husband out of love for what they physically needed, but because I didn’t understand how to match what they felt, they were disappointed. And I was equally frustrated because I didn’t feel like I was “missing out” on anything – you can’t miss/long for what you don’t desire. I will say this though – I find that some sexual acts are a very peculiar way to express/show love. And I could never understand a partner’s insistence on “giving” me an orgasm when my body wasn’t wanting one. If my body is at peace, why disrupt that peacefulness only to make me work extra hard for the orgasm, so that I could go back to being peaceful – totally unnecessary.
Thank you,
Equally Confused Continue reading
A Sibling Grieves Their Sister’s Death, and Seeks Spiritual Insight
Dear Liz,
Almost a year ago, in March, my seventeen-year-old sister died from SUDEP (unexpected death from epilepsy). Grief is a weird thing… Last spring, I felt hopeless, sad, angry, but eventually that subsided and I just kind of went numb. Recently, I think because the anniversary is coming up, I have been extremely emotional, exhausted, and can’t seem to find much motivation to do anything. For example, for the past six months or so I have been going to yoga to try to release my emotions in a positive way, but I don’t even want to do that anymore. Do you have any advice about grief and any insight into the spiritual realm? I used to have vivid dreams of her, I haven’t in a while, we have been to mediums and they said to look for dimes from the spirit realm, I haven’t found one in a while. I just miss her. Continue reading
A Student Struggles to Cope with Multiple Suicides at her High School
Dear Liz,
Over the past year and a half, three kids I went to high school with have committed suicide. I was not close friends with these three people, but I feel extremely saddened by their loss. I’m confused why it bothers me so much since I wasn’t close friends with them. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I feel like if I was closer with them, I could have done something to help. Randomly, I think about them and start crying, especially when I see pictures of them on social media. I want them to be in a better place and at peace. Can you please help me sort through these confusing thoughts? Continue reading
Hope Amidst Traumatic Grief
Dear Liz,
A very good friend of mine was murdered about four months ago. Her death outraged and saddened my entire community, and I’ve had a hard time accepting that she’s gone, because it just doesn’t seem real. I’m writing because I’ve had many dreams about her since it happened, and I’m not sure what they mean. Maybe she’s visiting me? Maybe my brain is rewinding to that event? Could you help me out? Continue reading
College Student Silenced by Professor’s Academic Freedom
Dear Liz,
I have a professor who has recently been talking about a sexual assault case. The perpetrator was a woman and a school guidance counselor who plead guilty to four counts of felonious sexual assault. The victim was a 14-year-old boy who was later diagnosed with PTSD and depression, after the assaults took place. Three college professors wrote a character statement for the defense team supporting the perpetrator. The president of the college fired the professors for supporting her. My professor personally knows the perpetrator and keeps telling my class how she is a good person and how her life is ruined because of this case. He also keeps telling us how it is stupid that the professors got fired. He expressed how this “one bad thing” is going to ruin her life. During this discussion in class I was getting really upset, but I did not feel comfortable speaking up. My roommate and I both have him as a professor, but in different classes. The next day my roommate came back from his class crying, because she was so upset about the conversation he had with her class. Later that day, my professor sent both classes an incredibly biased news article, basically expressing support for the three professors and the defendant. I think it is incredibly ignorant of my teacher to talk about the case the way he has been. However, I do not know how to address this problem. Please help! Continue reading
Victimized by Crime: Hope and Healing After Trauma
Dear Liz,
I’m a 26-year-old woman living a charmed life: 2 great kids, loving husband, well-to-do, intelligent, very attractive, very outgoing personality. A week ago I came home from shopping around noon and walked in on 3 teens (probably) burglarizing our house. Thankfully I was unhurt but was left tightly bound, gagged, face down and hogtied on the kitchen floor. I struggled furiously but couldn’t get free. Three hours later my kids and two of their friends arrived from school and found me “mmphing” and lying all tied up in a helpless, embarrassing heap. They removed the gag from my mouth but had to get a neighbor to untie the rest of me. I was humiliated and felt my self-esteem completely evaporate. A week has gone by and I’m depressed and feel like a schnook. For my kids to see me so utterly bound has destroyed my pride, sense of dignity. How do I recover from this mental ordeal and regain my sense of confidence, pride? Continue reading
Follow The Star: The Miraculous is in the Ordinary
The feast of manifestation, or Epiphany, is traditionally celebrated the 12th day after Christmas, January 6. It marks the day the Three Kings arrived at the birthplace of baby Jesus, and welcomed him. They followed the star, and found their way, and celebrated when they arrived.
As the Christmas story tells us, the Prince of Peace had a stepfather, and his name was Joseph. Joseph appears to have been an ordinary man of his time. He was a devout Jewish man, faithful, hard-working, and he was betrothed to Mary, having taken her into his home. At the passing of a year, she would be his wife, and they would then be intimate and begin their family. But that ordinariness was interrupted, and Joseph was to endure a test of faith greater than most. Continue reading
When Siblings Disagree: Caring for an Elderly Parent Amidst Family Discord
Dear Liz,
I have four siblings, we are all in our 50’s. My mother passed away 40 years ago. My father is now 85 with Alzheimer’s for the past 7 years. I am the youngest of the four and my father gave me his health directive 8 years ago. Now that I have become my father’s legal guardian, my eldest brother has taken the role to be the “overseer” of me and reports on me to attorneys and a trustee of my Dad’s trust, in fact insisting that I report to these people on a regular basis every email, every call, every issue. Continue reading
Moving Beyond Resentment: Finding Peace after Being Wronged
Dear Liz,
I took care of my cousin’s son (was awarded emergency temporary custody). I took him to all his appointments, provided for him, did everything to get his SSI benefits back, raised him as my own with my SSA money. His mom decided she wanted him back and turned my life into a living hell. SSI said they couldn’t give me my money after finding he was disabled in my name, but they gave his mom his check after I gave him back to her. She even used him for the income tax season. Continue reading
What is a Relationship?
Dear Friends,
Over the last few months, I’ve received a number of questions about relationships, all of which shared a common theme: one person appears to be 100% invested, while the other is not. I’ve heard from a number of women who are upset and confused, because while their partner is professing his love, he is also questioning the relationship. I’ve heard, “he needs to treat me better” and “we love each other, but we’ve started to fight Continue reading
White Supremacy, Free Speech, and the Myth of Reverse Racism
For those who missed the news about Professor Lisa Durden, an adjunct professor at Essex County College in New Jersey, who was fired after appearing on Fox News Tucker Carlson Tonight, here is the link to the segment: The Truth About Black Lives Matter. Continue reading
When a Relationship Begins with Lies
Dear Liz,
I recently (in the past month and a half) started a “relationship” with a boy older than me. We weren’t official, but we were intimate and he acted like he cared about me. Today I found out he had lied to me about so much. From having a girlfriend, kids, to his race. I told his girlfriend and she was so grateful for me being honest with her. I messaged him after to ask him some questions I had. He’s talking about how he feels about himself and I can’t help but care. Should I just drop him and run because of all the lies? Or should I try and be friends? It hurts me to not try and help someone who is in pain. Continue reading
A Compromising Photo, Betrayal, and Humiliation
Dear Liz,
A few months back a (male) friend obtained a compromising photo of me. He sent it to a friend because he was promised to be paid for it. He swore up and down that he deleted the picture and I would be given the money for it. I never expected to be paid for this, but he was a friend I trusted at the time and chose to believe the picture was deleted. Fast forward a few months. I’m at a party talking to a different friend who blurts out, “he didn’t delete the picture.” I learned he’d saved it and been showing people and bragging. When I confronted him he of course denied it. I told him how angry and embarrassed I was and have since cut off all ties to him.
My question for you is how do I cope with this embarrassing event? I realize there is not much to be done in terms of erasing all that has happened, but how can I get past it and trust people who claim to be friends? What can I do to heal the wounds this has given me? Continue reading
Boyfriend’s Past Trauma Hurting Current Relationship
Dear Liz,
I am at a crossroads because I am about to graduate, I have job interviews lined up, I have one more month living so close to all my best friends, and my boyfriend and I are super committed. Everything on that list is so exciting- except my boyfriend. I would say a vast majority of the time we’re together he is AMAZING. Friends and family adore him, he respects me and he’s sensitive toward my emotions. But, he has had awful trauma in his life that he has not sorted through. So this results in attachment issues and violence. He is hesitant to support anything that I plan for post-grad because he is scared I will move too far away from him, he’ll lose me, etc. It’s frustrating- but we have had very open communication about it and I do not see it as a deal breaker…on its own. As for violence, he is not violent toward me. However, when he gets near alcohol he becomes very aggressive toward other men- especially when he sees them as a threat to our relationship. This came to an “all time high” when I had to bail him out of jail for fighting recently. Violence is a HUGE deal breaker for me- we’ve talked about it, it continues. However, he was in a very dark place when he met me, and he has come out of it, but I feel if I leave him he will slip back to drinking, drug abuse, and failing school a month before grad. I am so conflicted. Help me? Continue reading
Afraid for Roommate who is Pregnant and Being Abused
Dear Liz,
My roommate is dating a guy my other roommate and I can’t stand. He’s rude, immature and treats her like crap! Not only that, he verbally abuses her, and she has told me that he has hit her before. When I asked her about it she pushed it aside and told me that it has only happened once while he was drunk. He’s high on numerous occasions when he sees her. He is controlling and bosses her around; she does everything for him and he cannot seem to do anything on his own. He’s 25 and acts like child. He is rude and degrading to both me and my other roommate. He has made sexual comments towards us and about us…in front of her! and she says nothing. She has had a hard year—her mother recently passed and she is dealing with the stress of school and graduating and above all, her boyfriend. I want to convince her into leaving him, but she does not see how bad he is for her like I do. She is now pregnant with his child and leaving him is not an option in her mind. I am scared he is going to hurt her or the baby as time goes on. What do I do? I want to help her, but if I say anything I risk our friendship—she’s stubborn and does not want to hear what I have to say. If I try to say anything she gets mad at me and ignores everything I try to tell her. Help Liz, I am scared for my best friend. Continue reading
My Friend Was Raped: Should She Press Charges?
Dear Liz,
I’ve been friends with a girl for four or five years and we are very close. She’s the type who has always been a bit anxious and nervous, which leads to serious insecurity. Around senior year of high school we became distant and only this past year did we rekindle our friendship. This month I learned that she was ‘date raped’ in high school. She was at a party with a lot of people from our school, and she got so drunk that she blacked out. Someone said they saw this boy drag her up the stairs, because she couldn’t walk, and nobody stopped them, and he took her outside and had sex with her. The only reason my friend found out was because he took a video and posted it on his snapchat story. She has no recollection of this event. I don’t know how many people she told at this time. But now, probably about three years later, she is still coming to terms with it. This month she broke down crying to me, my roommate, and her sister about it. We were all furious at how something like this could have happened. She wonders if she should press charges, but worries that if she does she will have to see the video. I know that you have a background in law so I am wondering if you know anything about the statute of limitations with rape. What do you think a young lady should do in this situation? Continue reading
Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wallets: Why Patriarchy Relies on Taking From Both
In mid-December, a student wrote in seeking advice on how to convince her boyfriend that the wage gap and rape culture were real (How Do I Convince My Boyfriend that the Wage Gap and Rape Culture are Real? December 2016). I passed along the challenge (re: the wage gap issue) to my students, and as expected, they did a wonderful job. With their permission, I’ve taken from their responses and incorporated them within. I have also contributed my own understanding of patriarchy and rape culture. To all of my students who help me and their classmates learn each day, thank you, and well done! Continue reading
How Do I Convince My Boyfriend that the Wage Gap and Rape Culture are Real?
Dear Liz,
I was showing my boyfriend the article and essay I am writing for your Women and Gender Studies class. We got into an argument because he said that the wage gap between men and women isn’t real, and that rape culture doesn’t exist in the United States. How do I convince him he’s wrong? Thanks. Continue reading
This Holiday Season, Don’t Forget Your Inner Gingerbread Person
Our holiday celebrations form around stories that remind us of the invisible, the unexplainable, the liberating, the joyful, and the miraculous. Whether we realize it or not, our holiday stories are there to remind us of all that is within us, waiting to be touched, to be illuminated, and to be shared. The oil that kept the lamp burning, the star that led to the humble manger, the baby who grew to be a man of wisdom and miracles…This holiday season, as the material world beckons your attention, Continue reading
In Light of Trump Presidency, A Student Asks if I Plan to Change My Socialist Teaching Agenda
Liz,
Are you going to change your socialist teaching agenda now that yours, and 99% of professors, have failed to convert students into sheep with Trump being our 45th president? #MAGA Continue reading
Boyfriend Wants a Backwards Relationship…
Dear Liz,
One of my best friends is in a relationship that is not normal. The boyfriend does not want to talk through the troubles that both of them go through. He puts her down sometimes and ignores her when she brings up things that they need to talk together about. She has to do the driving all the time, plan all the dates, because the boy wants to have a “backwards relationship” and I want to help, it’s just I don’t really know how besides possibly giving some advice. Please let me know how I can help. Continue reading
Fear of Relapsing Into Isolation and Pain
Dear Liz,
Recently, I have been internally going in a downward spiral. I have been waiting for, and dreading this moment to come, as I have been in this state before. The world seems to keep turning while I am invisible and stationary– stuck in one moment in time. No one can see it because it doesn’t seem like I am in as bad of a place as I was, but what they can’t see is that I am. No one has ever been able to really see me. Even I have trouble seeing me. I’ll have to have a few more sit-downs with my gingerbread person before I’ll be able to see myself and the good that I carry. I’m not sure if there is a question to pull from this. Maybe since I am more aware of my symptoms I can ask, how do you stop a relapse from ruining a portion of life? How do I get myself up and going every day, if only mechanical body? At the end of the day, I am the only one who will have my back. I have no one to take the pain away or to walk and talk with me every day. The only person who can do that is myself. What are some ways to get to the point of holding enough self-love so that I am able to walk with myself every day?
I realize there are no right or wrong answers to my questions. I know whatever you have to say will be helpful. Thank you, Liz. Continue reading
My Best Friend’s Boyfriend Treats Her Horribly…What Can I Do?
Dear Liz,
My best friend is dating a boy who doesn’t treat her right. He has cheated on her multiple times, and recently she even walked in on him cheating. From the start, I have warned her multiple times that he is not a nice guy and that I do not like him and that he is not good for her. He’s also extremely mean to me and her other friends and has no respect for anyone. He is always getting “belligerent drunk” and is very disrespectful and hurtful to many people. She continues to stay with him even when I am constantly warning her about him. She says ‘you just don’t know him like I do’ and she also says that the awful things a person does, does not define them. It is becoming an issue in our friendship in the way that I am the “bad guy” because I will not accept him. What do you think I should do? What do you think she should do? Continue reading
Mental Illness and Medication: Will Drugs Change Who a Person Really Is?
Dearest Liz,
Being natural has been a priority in my life for quite some time. Call me an earthy, crunchy granola, hippy if you will. This sparks a question that runs through my mind now and then. I understand that medications for various mental illnesses replaces chemicals in which the brain lacks. However, does this change who a person truly is? I am currently studying psychology and can understand most of the science behind it, but there is something missing that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s almost like a spiritual point of view. I hope this makes sense! Sincerely, Wanderer Continue reading
Finding the Courage to Say I Love You
Dear Liz,
For the past 5 or so years I have been on and off with this boy. We have never officially been boyfriend and girlfriend though. We would talk like we were, text constantly, and went on dates. The first time this ended he ended up dating someone else so I moved on. Once we were both single again, years later, we ended up right back where we were. That lasted for about 8 or 9 months. During that time period he went to school in another country for 6 months. When he came back things were great, we went on a date, and then after a month things slowly faded away. We didn’t talk like we used to, we were just friends. It has been at least 2 years since we were more than friends. Neither of us dated much. In the back of my head I always thought that the two of us would end up together. These feelings stopped me from being in a relationship with someone I really liked. Now he is in a serious relationship and I don’t know how to move on. For the past 5 years he has also been one of my best friends. Do I have to stop talking to him completely to move on? How can I start this process? Continue reading
Blending Families: Dating as a Single Parent
Dear Liz,
For several years I have been madly in love with a wonderful man. When I found him, I was a mess and needed to work on myself, which I did, wholeheartedly. (Antidepressants, therapy, and reading). He stuck by me, the whole time, offering support. I gained a lot of strength and confidence. He’s inspired me in lots of ways to be the best version of myself. We both have children from previous relationships. His children lead a different life then mine do. I won’t get into specifics, but basically, his children need his attention constantly in ways mine don’t need me. I think his commitment to his family is wonderful, and part of the reason I respect and admire him so much. But because he is so focused on them, he has little time for me. (At this time, the idea of blending our families has not come up in conversation). I’m at a point in my life where I don’t “need” anyone. But I do want him very much. I want him to be my life partner. He’s focused on other things though. How can I show him my love and support without sacrificing myself here? He was able to show me love and patience and kindness… I want to do the same….but I also don’t want to pine away for him while he tends to his family. Continue reading
Am I too Broken to be Fixed?
Dear Liz,
I am lost. I decided to start counseling because I was afraid I was getting depressed again. I was depressed back in high school and while my anxiety affects me every day, I thought that depression was in the past until about two months ago. I’ve only gone to two appointments so far. At the second one she asked me about my history of depression, and I told her about it and said that now I have little bouts, like 2 or 3 days a month. That day was a good one. Today is not. Do you think it’s possible to be depressed sometimes, or is it my own anxious self over thinking? And more importantly, how do I avoid letting these feelings affect my life too much? Tonight I have put off doing an assignment I know I can do well and even enjoy and even now at 3 am, I feel so distant from it while also feeling guilty for putting it off. I feel as though I am like a bent tool never to be fixed. I could work properly if someone took the time to straighten me out, but that’s too hard. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and think that this was melodramatic… In fact I feel melodramatic just rereading what I’ve wrote. Basically, I’d like your advice on how not to dwell on the bad times, and how to own up to the mistakes you make during them. I don’t want to let down my friends or teachers, but when I feel depressed, it is so hard to do anything.
Sincerely, Hopeful
When Your Partner Cheats
Dear Liz,
Hi, I’m 19. My first relationship lasted one year and he cheated on me every so often and I kept taking him back. We broke up and three years later I haven’t had a relationship since and I’m honestly not attracted to anyone anymore. I am, but I’m not if they actually want to date me. What’s the reasoning behind this? Continue reading
Privacy and Boundaries in Intimate Relationships
Dear Liz,
A couple of middle aged, two-time divorcees meet and start dating. First two months are great, third is trying, fourth and fifth nonexistent. He has a privacy issue, in that he doesn’t want people knowing our problems, so he has pulled away, but still continues to maintain daily contact—just no dates until he works his way through getting over my mistakes of confiding in other people. The last event that I spoke about us was two weeks ago, and he’s still mad because it came up at a family dinner. Tried breaking up and he keeps holding on. Is there any way to get him to move forward with me or move on without me? I’m not sure I can handle a breakup myself, but I am feeling resentful and angry. Continue reading
Getting Back With an Ex
Dear Liz,
I dated a boy in high school for 3 years, he studied abroad in Italy for 4 months, and we broke up while he was there. Our relationship wasn’t the best, but we were in love, and we both knew that for sure. It was a controlling relationship, on both ends. This past summer I began to date a new boy, it was very different -less controlling-but I still thought about my ex ALL THE TIME and because of this, I broke up with the new guy. Why am I still thinking about my ex all the time? Does this mean I should try and pursue him again? I’ve always heard “if you can’t go a day without thinking about the person, it’s worth it”…. HELP!!!!!! Continue reading
Coping With an Uncertain Future after College
Dear Liz,
I am really concerned with where I am going from here. While I have a year left of undergrad, I don’t know what I want to do. I have thought about joining AmeriCorps or the Peace Corps, but there’s something that tells me that no matter where I go, I will not be doing the right thing, which makes me feel so incredibly lost and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what path to pursue and I don’t know where to go. Continue reading
Grief and Loyalty: Mending a Mother-Daughter Relationship
Hi Liz,
I have been wanting to ask you this for some time. My father died four years ago. I feel as though my mother resents me. She forbids me from seeing his family (I do anyway). She has not talked to me in five months. I know people grieve differently, but do you have any advice for me? Continue reading
Moving Beyond Loneliness and Despair: Death is not Real
Dear Liz,
Recently, I am struggling with the fact that I don’t feel as though I belong, not only among my peers, but in all aspects of my life. Along with this, I am afraid that I am battling severe depression, but I don’t know where in myself I can find the courage to get help. I have a hard time getting out of bed every morning, because I know that when I do, I am just going to be dealing with the same demons that create my life and make it hard for me to go to class, or to go home, or to work. I have no idea how to find what I need to feel better, because no matter what I do I am so unhappy. I want to go home and want to take a leave of absence from school, but I don’t want to be with my abusive mother and I don’t want to fall behind in school because I only have the next year to finish. I use that goal to get myself through because for some reason when I think about finishing school, I think that all of these problems and feelings will go away. But at the end of the day, I’m up all night dreading all of these things. What do I do to make it through this? Continue reading
A College Student Wonders Why His Suite-Mate Is Such a Jerk
A student came into my office to talk about life with a particular suite-mate in his dorm, someone he was not getting along with at all. His question: what makes someone an a–hole? I told him I’d need a few details, a few examples, of this person’s “a–hole” like behavior, and he offered this for starters: “I have a friend, a young woman, who is very overweight, and anytime she comes around, he makes whale noises, refers to her as a whale, etc.” I stopped him right there, and suggested that “a–hole” was far too gracious a description—there are a–holes (they grab your parking space when you’ve been patiently waiting with your blinker on, they act rude to servers at dining establishments, they gossip behind your back…) and then there are cruel and abusive individuals who have deep and profound emotional/psychological challenges. Continue reading
Desperate to Help Friend Being Abused By Boyfriend
One of my closest friends has been in an incredibly emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for over three years. This person essentially controls every single aspect of her life–from how she spends her time, to who her friends are, to the way in which she views her own self-worth.
It’s heartbreaking to see someone I care about go through this, and I feel as though our other friends and I have done everything we can to help her, but nothing is working. I know that the want to leave has to come from her, but my greatest fear at this point is that before she finds the strength to leave, they’ll move in together and eventually get married. I can see her hurting and suffering, but I just don’t know what to do. How can I help her??? Continue reading
What is a home and how do I find one?
Dear Liz,
They say home is where the heart is. But I don’t know where my heart is…
My life has been one of inconsistency. I am 21 years old and already I have lived in 15 different “homes” (houses). That number doesn’t include the two separate places where both of my parents currently reside while I attend school (also not counted) on the opposite side of the country. I see them for a few weeks every 6 months, the case for the last 3 years. If I define a place I’ve lived as a place where I have a permanent bed I can call my own, the number is nearly 20. Almost one for every year that I have walked this earth. This doesn’t bother me, except the inconvenience of travel (I’ve had to drive cross-country about 4 times now, once by myself which was fun). I like to be independent. Soon I will be faced with a strange predicament where I could choose Oregon, Nevada or New Hampshire as my state of residence. This is not where my struggle lies, though.
Small talk with peers always includes my least favorite question: So where are you from? Sometimes I say California, sometimes New Hampshire, other times I just say it’s complicated and that I’m from nowhere and everywhere. I have discovered a very interesting form of homelessness. While I am not living on the streets, I feel as though I have no real home. There is Continue reading
Sexual Abuse
Dear Readers: The person who submitted this question is a young woman—as such, I’ve decided to engage the topic of sexual abuse as it pertains to girls/women. I am very aware that boys/young men are also victims, and I in no way intend to marginalize their experience by speaking solely about girls/women—I am simply tailoring my response to the circumstances presented to me by this questioner.
Dear Liz,
I had a horrible relationship with my mother in high school because she was dealing with her newly diagnosed bi-polar disorder. We would always clash because I didn’t know what she was going through, but now I fear I am turning into her. I see myself lashing out sometimes and getting upset over things that seem to have no substance, and when I do calm down I realize that I shouldn’t have gotten angry. Most of the time I take it out on my boyfriend, and that’s what I fear the most. I don’t want to upset him over tiny fights and push him away. It’s like I have in my head this “self-fulfilling prophecy” that of course I’m going to turn into my mother—I feel like I’m making that fear come true. My boyfriend is very supportive of me trying to deal with this situation. He never gets mad at me in return—when I am angry he tries to solve where it is coming from and why. My worst fear is pushing him away while trying to figure this out.
I don’t know if this aggression I have is stemming from me thinking I am turning into my mother, or from the sexual abuse I suffered in high school from my first boyfriend at the age of 14. My boyfriend would hit me, cheat on me, and sexually assault me—this was all very frequent for 9 months. I was so young and sensitive and he was 17 and I didn’t know what to do, so I put up with it. When I’d tell him I wanted to end it, he would threaten to kill himself. He finally hit me in public once, and my best friend and her boyfriend saw, which gave me a way out because he got scared that I wasn’t the only one to know anymore.
While all this was going on with my boyfriend, my mother was dealing with her anger over being raped by her cousin. When she returned home for a wedding, she saw him and he hugged her as if nothing happened. It brought up so many emotions for her and she ended up taking it out on me—she would lash out and hit me—it got so bad that my dad and I had to move out for a few months. I went to a therapist for a while and I thought I had dealt with my pain, but with all these emotions now I’m not sure what to think. I get so angry at little things, like my personal short comings and when things don’t go as planned—it’s starting to affect my life. I just want to get my anger or whatever seems to be happening to me under control before I turn into my ex or my mom. I’m lashing out like I did before I went to my counselor in high school. I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t know if you have any insight for me, but I’ll wait to hear back. Continue reading
Dear Liz 