Recently, I have been internally going in a downward spiral. I have been waiting for, and dreading this moment to come, as I have been in this state before. The world seems to keep turning while I am invisible and stationary– stuck in one moment in time. No one can see it because it doesn’t seem like I am in as bad of a place as I was, but what they can’t see is that I am. No one has ever been able to really see me. Even I have trouble seeing me. I’ll have to have a few more sit-downs with my gingerbread person before I’ll be able to see myself and the good that I carry. I’m not sure if there is a question to pull from this. Maybe since I am more aware of my symptoms I can ask, how do you stop a relapse from ruining a portion of life? How do I get myself up and going every day, if only mechanical body? At the end of the day, I am the only one who will have my back. I have no one to take the pain away or to walk and talk with me every day. The only person who can do that is myself. What are some ways to get to the point of holding enough self-love so that I am able to walk with myself every day?
I realize there are no right or wrong answers to my questions. I know whatever you have to say will be helpful. Thank you, Liz.
My dear friend,
I actually received your note just moments ago, but because I could feel the urgency and pain in your voice, I wanted to move your inquiry to the front of the line. I care about you.
First: You are strong. You are observing your symptoms, and reaching out. Strength.
Second: You referred to your “gingerbread person,” which leads me to believe you have engaged with what I offer/teach and taken it to heart…which brings me to share this: whenever we begin to take the steps away from EGO, and move deeply into our “Spirit” or “gingerbread consciousness,” EGO works out harder and longer to pull us back in. So if you have been taking steps to recover your true Self, it is no surprise you feel tugged back into a stationary and invisible space. This is how EGO responds to the threat of its annihilation.
Remember: In order to take a step forward, you need to pick up a foot, and picking up a foot can set us off balance, opening space for the possibility of falling. EGO exploits that space.
I am not surprised that if you’ve taken a step to recover your authentic self, that your ego is blind-siding you – this is how EGO works. Having said that, I must remind you that EGO is powerful, and can seduce us into all sorts of self-destructive behavior, way before we can even process and respond in a healthy way. And so…
If you are currently seeing a counselor, it is essential that you reconnect with her/him right away. It is important that you have an objective “observer” who knows you well and can guide you accordingly. I am also aware that profound feelings of isolation and invisibility can fuel the desire to “escape in any way possible,” and I want you to be near to folks who interrupt that impulse, be it a therapist, a parent, a friend.
Let me end here: You ARE seeing yourself clearly. You ARE longing to connect with your authentic Self. These are genuine signs of an internal vison that is clear and rising up—you’ve got it. But none of us can do the hard work of “recovering our Self” alone. Please…reach out to a counselor/family member/ trusted confidante right away, just as you have to me. We all need compassionate and wise insight, and right now, I can hear that you would especially benefit from it.
Please let me know how you are…write in anytime…I really, truly, care.