Dear Liz,

Your column is just in time for all my motherhood questions! For starters, how do I get myself to stop saying the f word so much? I really find myself abusing it, especially when frustrated with my ever loving fiance, due to my newly shortened pregnancy fuse! And I just don’t want to be a trash talkin’ mama!

Dear H,

I could swear I recently read that folks with foul mouths have more creative ability and problem solving skills…but considering your fiancé is inheriting these F bombs, curbing the practice seems like a good idea.

On the other hand, it’s never really the word itself (with a few exceptions) but the way we use it. Not using the F word doesn’t mean you’re not hauling the negative energy in his direction, and using the word doesn’t mean you are. So the real task at hand here might be figuring out why you are angry, angry enough to invoke that particular word. A good tip for discerning our anger is to first remember that anger is another word for pain. Could he be pressing a button that’s stirring pain stored away from way back when? In my experience, the buried uglies from our past are usually the source of our pain the present.

As far as being a good mama, the following might help a bit. I recently asked my students what was essential for good parenting—I asked my son, too. Responsibility, the ability to put yourself second, the ability to show love, being supportive and compassionate…these topped the list, and not once did refraining from saying f–k appear on the list. Someone also recently told me that in their opinion, the best gift parents can give their child is to love each other. It’s certainly a great start.

Wonderful people make wonderful parents. Work on being your most wonderful self. Work at loving your fiancé, let him work at loving you, and make sure you’re each loving each other the way the other needs to be loved. And work to keep those pesky childhood wounds and issues from distracting you from what is right in front of you—it can take time, but well worth the investment.

And if you’re the mom who drops the F bomb when you’re chaperoning the 3rd grade field trip the museum, you can parlay it into a quick learning moment—but make sure to sing the lesson like Daniel Tiger does:

When we say bad words,
we’re making a bad choice,
using words that are kind,
is the path to being nice!

If you don’t know who Daniel Tiger is, you will in about 18 months.

Blessings upon your birthing…

Love, Liz